Life has a way of changing when we least expect it. I love change and have lived a life of always seeking change. And most change is good. Like the moment I knew I was pregnant with my first daughter (above).
And then there's the kind of change we wish wouldn't happen. Last week, I found myself sitting in a very depressing hospital waiting area. Waiting for a CT scan for a neck injury yet to be diagnosed. I was overwhelmed with the thought "I never want to be in a hospital again." Hospitals, unfortunately, have little to do with health and a lot to do with sickness. Of course, that is their purpose. But it is hard to feel "healthy" in a hospital.
On the long drive home I made a quiet personal committment: "I will change." I promised myself that it was time to shift a whole lot about my life to really resolve the physical challenges and to embark on a new path of wellness.
Just over a year ago I made a lot of changes for my family that were all very good. My job, career, my husband's career, my children's lifestyle, our community, our family time, our quality of life and our financial situation all changed for the better. But I couldn't help but be frustrated with the fact that my health had declined in that time. While everything else was going up, my health was going down. I spent months in denial. But on the highway I faced the truth and told myself that I would get to the bottom of it and make the necessary changes to make my health a priority.
Five days later I crashed my car off the highway while driving to work.
Change was forced upon me. I think that life got tired of waiting for me to do something about it and literally smacked me upside the head to change things for good. It would be so easy to be angry or sad or withdraw. It would be so easy to give up and give in to the pain. But I can't. I have two beautiful, lovely daughters watching me. Two people depending on me to be my best. Four eyes soaking in all that I am and will be.
Change is here. Whether I was ready or not. "Ready or not, here I come." So now, what I thought I would be doing and changing has become obselete. What is changing is that I have been forced to stop. Sheer pain and side effects from medication have forced me to do less. Accept help. And re-evaluate what wellness means to me.
I am adjusting my expectations. Of myself. And of those around me. I have instantly gained a new acceptance of myself and others. How dare I ask for anything more/different when I am already so lucky? How could I possibly expect anything other than all that I have?
While I am in pain, I am very lucky. My accident was very close to being a lot worse. For me and others. While I sit in my warm, safe home with a full tummy, thousands are left without heat, water, and food only miles away. And then there are those that have never had these luxuries. Perspective is everything.
When the paramedic reached his head into my car and asked me how I was doing, I said, "I'm good. Relatively."
And I am. I am good.